It’s been a long time since I’ve written any personal journal entries but I’ve had this lingering urge to touch on why I run F-You.
I’ve been through many stages in my life and have desired to be a whole spectrum of people. I started out on a synchronized swim team, spent years as a gospel singer now i’m a hip-hop publicist turned social worker. I’ve met countless people and searched for happiness in many different ways.
I’ve been a victim at the hands of a man and I’ve done the hurting to many others because of it.I’m not old enough to write a memoir but I’m damn sure experienced enough to tell you what doesn’t fill a void of emptiness. I’ve taken chances when I shouldn’t have and I’ve been so low that not even my best friends could look me in the eye. When I say I’m flawed, I’m talking to the endeth degree.
I get a lot of comments about how cool my job is, how exciting the big city of Toronto looks on Facebook, how happy I am. All of the above are absolutely true! I’m in love with my surroundings and am so excited to grow. I’ve never been this confident before.
But it’s not because of you.
See, for a long long long long long time I was content with those around me to a point that it became my foundation. My family is ridiculousy perfect and I have a friend for every type of crisis I could be in. As long as I have a glass of wine and a dollar and dream, I’m good right? Wrong.
Moms gets sick.
Industry friends bail.
Men become the enemy.
Blackberry constantly going off about drama and deception.
Who do you trust?!
Once someone hurts you, even unintentionally, the heart gets a little wounded. Lies, break ups, failure, it all tears pieces. Damn, look out for number one. It’s the only thing that matters.
The second your heart is defensive, priorities change and everyone loses. It becomes a vicious cycle. I’m not saying the entertainment industry is the end all be all, but I know that false power can be the doom of all morale. Finding a foundation in others leads to a shakey demise.
“Protect ya heart”. This statement has been said to me in a few different contexts in my life – mostly to do with relationships. Years and years of this being in the back of my mind, I heard it again yesterday. It’s biblical and the actual verse is “Guard Your Heart”. It clicked for me..finally.
Protect your heart. Christian, Muslim, hip-hop, thugs, small town, socialite – it doesn’t matter what your label is – your heart is the only thing you are left with after the distraction is gone. I’ve picked the brains of some of the biggest, most superficial hip hop artists in the world and they still have very human hearts, even with all the money.
I had to take a step back. I was the little girl who wanted to change the world, when did i become so jaded and lost?
So I started to write a journal. I realized that my heart was changing depending on what YOU said about me, if my parents were proud, if my boss said I was doing a good job..I was looking for your validation.
Wait. You’re just as human as I am, how can you give me confidence when you battle with the same broken heart I have? So I realized. It’s not about me. It’s not personal. We’re all trying to live the best we know how, the only way we know how.
I’m not gonna make this about God but I can tell you that since I make the time to grow spiritually I’m a whole new person. This is actually about YOU and your foundation. Protecting your heart means accepting the hate from another person more than likely isn’t about you but rather their own issues. It means being confident to get out a relationship that isn’t doing anything except giving you heart-baggage. It means not tolerating mediocracy. It means having the courage to get out and live instead of creating a heart of regret . What I’ve come to terms with lately is that protecting your heart also means forgiving – forgive grudges and regrets. I’m the worst at remembering snide comments and negativity over a kind word said to me. But all it does is pile up reasons to be bitter and hurtful – let it go.
There is a power in understanding that less is more when it comes to what you surround yourself with.