Already Won [Journal] – Tara Muldoon

Self-reflection.

Yesterday I cried the type of heartbreaking, lost tears that come very rarely to me. The type of sob that releases pent up frustration and loneliness, only to be replaced with anger. I cried for every injustice ever done to me and then became exhausted of fighting.

This year I returned to the University of Toronto, the same campus that literally manifests memories and flashbacks of a sexual assault when I was a student there before. Returning to school in September for me was fighting for my life back that was taken away. I was determined to be a full time publicist, straight A student and woman of integrity. That would be the ultimate switch from victim to survivor right? Nahh.

Yesterday I was studying for upcoming exams and started to feel overwhelmed. Why am I even back in school? I already have a career. I’m tired of fighting and facing this every day. How can I be a new woman, a survivor, when I’m entrenched in walking the same place that shook my inner peace to the core.

It became very evident really quick that my mentality needed a change.

The words “already won” kept running through my head during a test yesterday. I had to really discern it.

I get it now. I already won the battle that I don’t need to fight anymore, because the minute I looked for a pro active way to handle the fear I defeated it. I already won that situation the day that I was able to walk down the street again without any flash backs.

I just wonder how many times in our lives, just that switch from “fighting” to “already won” would make us soar? I mean, I feel like in our relationships and in our standards for happiness, we feel like we have to fight. We fight with attitude, with a chipped shoulder, with anger or with resentment. We fight for pride, for self esteem and we fight for reason.

We fight life to the point of tears. I wonder what would happen if we let that fight go?

The minute, the second, you accept life for what it is and see a big picture, you’ve won.

The minute your heart finds peace in the battle, you’ve won. That’s it, it’s that easy.

You’ve already won.

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